Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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