Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
