I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
