I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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