I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
