PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
