dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
