I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The adults are the big ones right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
