his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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