Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
