So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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