She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
