WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
