ugly people sure do ruin things
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
