Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
