i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
