My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
