I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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