My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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