Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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