Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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