grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
