Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I want a musical about memes.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize