Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
