By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
