I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
