it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
