someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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