We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
