btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
