I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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