I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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