i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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