Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
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That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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