she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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