So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Congratulations! We have a period
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
