okay pat passed out under dana's car
I think I won the penis lottery.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?