I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
