If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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