I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
