I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
