I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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