worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
