my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
