i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
