oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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