Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
