I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
