so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
