Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My friends, they love my intelligence
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
