I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
