How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
