how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
