I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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