I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
