he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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