I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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